Tuesday, April 17, 2007

some days are stranger than others

i know i'm going to get some fiestier google hits after publishing this story, but i think it will be worth it. its just not every day you visit a half dozen porn shops and buy a coworker an inflatable husband. unless of course, you live in las vegas and then maybe its not so strange.

one of my coworker's had a birthday last friday, and she very much enjoys crass sorts of things. she's loads of laughs and organized a girls night out to see chipndales (i declined. honest.) her husband left her about five years ago and i don't think she's dated recently. my boss suggested we go in together to get some tacky present, like a blow up doll, and then without technically nominating me to be the shopper, left town on a business trip and thereby defaulting me to be the shopper.

i didn't want to bring a completely inappriopriate gift to work. i wanted something more in the line of adult novelty not adult toy. there is a big difference. after visiting several stores, andrew and i were disheartened. yeah, i dragged him along.

at that point, we are driving around looking for more adult emporiums and andrew states, "i don't know if i'm psychologically damaged from the army or if i'm psychologically damaged from living here, but i just want to point my machine gun at all the bad drivers." i think about this for a while and finally decide to ask for clarification. turns out its from the army. after a couple tours in iraq, he generally associates radically poor driving with car bombs. so if you are driving around baghdad and are driving like someone from las vegas, the army is going to assume you have a car bomb and they will probably point their machine guns at you.

then we found the perfect present. we found a ken doll inflatable husband complete with a barbie-doll-pink carrying case much like the old happy meal boxes. on the front of the box, he's standing there in a pair of boxers, in the kitchen, looking for all the world like he just did the dishes for you. the back of the box had a couple of paragraphs detailing how wonderful the product is: he'll listen attentively, he will not interupt, he won't tell you how to manage your money, he'll never pass gas, and he floats! andrew started to read this all to me and instinctively i said, "shush. they'll think we are weird..." he looks at me, "you think that These People will think that You are weird??" "yeah...good point..." we were clearly the most normal people in the building.

at walmart we found an appriately funny old people card and a gift bag. and off to work i went with the present. my boss and i gave it to her first thing before everyone else got there but then at 3 we all had cake and out came the present. most everyone in the room was female and the boys all mysteriously wondered away. we passed around the box and all giggled. suddenly everything everyone said had a lewd conotation. and in the end, the birthday girl just had to get him out of the box.

he was only three feet tall!!


and, he had about five chest hairs drawn on him.

it was hysterical! i don't remember the last time i laughed that much. i wiped so many tears away.

in the back there, you can kind of see the gift bag. its this thousand year old guy with his bowling ball. and the bag says: chicks dig jocks.


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